Review: Funzze Massager

Prices are going up, and as the cost of living crisis continues, standard groceries, household bills and luxuries like beauty goods are costing more than ever. Perhaps it’s not the same in every corner of the globe (I hope), but in Australia it is exhausting. Thankfully, however, this has not seemed to affect sex toys. In fact, they are becoming increasingly affordable, with dildos being made out of body-safe silicone no longer coming at a premium and even the relatively new air pressure wave trend setting you back only $60 AUD / $40 USD if you go with the bestselling Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation. Really the only product this price-drop has not seemed to affect is the wand massager, which is a real shame, because it’s also the one style of toy that I believe everyone should own a copy of. Sure, there’s been improvements, for instance my beloved Magic Wand Rechargeable, which was previously only available for $195 AUD / $130 USD, now has the cheaper Magic Wand Mini for $80 AUD / $55 USD less. But even this can be a lot to pay. So, over the past few months I’ve been on a hunt for budget wands to recommend, and the Funzze Massager is the cheapest I’ve come across so far.

Product Description

At just $45 AUD / $29.99 USD at the time of writing, the Funzze Massager is the lowest priced full-size wand massager I’ve ever seen, and other than my first ever review back in 2015 on the Pipedream Wanachi Mini Massager, is also the cheapest wand in general. This isn’t by a small margin either, and even compared to most other sex toys this is low, with it now becoming a member of my exclusive “Under $30 USD” club. White-label reseller Funzze are known for their great prices, so they were the perfect place to look for a budget wand, but even I did not expect one as cheap as this. As you’d imagine, the Massager is quite simple in design, although most wands are, and so in this sense it is very similar in appearance to the Magic Wand Rechargeable. With a length of 35cm / 13.8″ and weight of 333g / 11.7oz, this toy is simultaneously one of the longest and lightest wands I’ve tried, and much of this is to do with its plastic handle, which is slightly tapered in at the middle. At the end you’ll find a fairly large head covered in silicone, which is 6.5cm / 2.6″ in length and 5.9cm / 2.3″ in diameter, and this features a rounded yet firm top and a groove in the centre (which I’m not a big fan of on massagers, as it offers nothing except a place for gunk to build up). A flexible neck then separates the two, although it takes a fair amount of force for this to bend, whilst in the centre of the shaft is the control panel, with its three buttons. As for the back, this features nothing but screw holes, and on the bottom you’ll find a hole for the USB charger. Finally, the Funzze Massager only comes in black and is water-resistant.

Packaging

My order for the Massager was placed with Funzze on the 31st of March and I received it promptly on the 6th of April. While Funzze themselves were then not listed on the package, unfortunately the item description was “Massager”, which was not discreet as promised on their website. A big complaint I had during my other reviews for Funzze was then related to their packaging, as whilst their completely plain corrugated cardboard boxes got points for discretion, it provided a poor first impression and a sense of low-quality. They appreciated my feedback and let me know that while they didn’t have the budget to completely redo the boxes, they would find a way to make them look a bit nicer, and I am glad to see that this has happened, with the cardboard box for the Massager coming with a colourful sticker featuring the Funzze logo (and this is removable in case you preferred the plain look). The box, which is long and perfectly fitted to the toy, then opens from the side, and inside you’ll find the Massager resting inside its storage bag. This is a basic pink drawstring pouch, which just so happens to be the same style as my first ever sex toy bag that I would have received almost ten years ago, and alongside this is the toy’s charging cord and some brief instructions printed on a business card. In addition, the Funzze Massager also comes with a one year warranty.

Charging

Charging the Funzze Massager is easy since it is USB rechargeable. Simply plug one end of the charging cord into a USB port and then the other end can go directly into the hole at the very end of the toy. When charging a light will flash, with this becoming solid once complete, and charging should take around three hours to give you an estimated one to two hours of use. Funzze also recommends fully charging the Massager before first use.

Controls

As soon as I started to look into controlling the Funzze Massager, I noticed something fishy. Last month I reviewed another budget wand called the Bestvibe Flirting Magic Wand, which has the exact same three buttons as the Massager and even uses the same symbols, with both featuring a speed, pattern, and power button from top-to-bottom (with the top being the end with the head). Again, both toys also have eight speeds and twenty pattern modes (combining to form 160 possible combinations!) and they also turn on or off instantly with just a press of the power button. But there was a major issue with the controls of the Flirting Magic Wand, as rather than working like a traditional vibrator, which starts at the lowest speed and then gradually increases, this toy decided to do the exact opposite, making use a bit of a nightmare. In fact, this was such a problem that when I published the review, Bestvibe contacted me to apologise and agreed that this was indeed an error that should not have occurred. So I am incredibly disappointed to confirm that the Funzze Massager is also identical in this respect, and it leads me to assume that these two products have been made intentionally like this by the same manufacturer (Bestvibe and Funzze are both just white-label retailers, after all). You can read a lot of my complaints about this over at the other review, but there were two key reasons why this was such a problem: one, was that you can’t just jump straight into use, as placing the full-speed vibrations on yourself without first warming up with numb you out. And two, was that you’ll need to count in your head to accurately bring the massager to its lowest speed and then up again to its highest, as unlike other vibrators the Massager does not stop at either of these.

First Impressions

While my initial impression was already soured at this point, I was still hopeful for the Funzze Massager. After all, even the Bestvibe Flirting Magic Wand was enjoyable enough when you forgot about its controls. Turning it on, I was immediately impressed with its vibrations, which are strong and rumbly, far more so than on the Flirting Magic Wand. While they aren’t quite as good as my other full-sized massagers, which was to be expected, they were certainly of a higher-quality than you might anticipate from the price, being not too buzzy even at high speeds. The noise was then quite loud, again more so than the Flirting Magic Wand, however this is to be expected of wands, and compared to others it’s not actually too bad, with even the Magic Wand Rechargeable being louder.

My Experience

While the Funzze Massager and Bestvibe Flirting Magic Wand may be identical in regards to the way their vibrations run, how they feel cannot be compared. Because even though I enjoyed the Flirting Magic Wand, clearly the Massager has a significantly larger motor to match its bigger body, since when switching between the two during use, the Flirting Magic Wand may as well not even be turned on. Of course, there is still the issue of the vibrations running backwards, but this fades into the background even quicker than with the previous review, as the rumbly vibes soon take over. Plus, with there being a larger range of vibrations across this toy’s eight speeds, I do think it is easier to tell when the product has hit its lowest or highest modes, and I also don’t have any issues locating the buttons. Whilst the motor may not be as strong as on more premium products like the Magic Wand Rechargeable and Doxy Die Cast 3R, I should also note that I actually only use the highest speeds of these toys on rare occasions, as even my overworked clitoris doesn’t need that level of power. So because of this I don’t find myself minding the more subdued vibrations of the Massager, and over the short time I’ve had it, I’ve had some wonderfully satisfying orgasms. Instead, I’d say the biggest difference I find between this and other wands is its firm rounded head, which is almost the opposite to the flat and squishy style I’ve grown accustomed to from Vibratex, being far more similar to the head of the Die Cast 3R. While not my preference, considering how cheap this toy is as opposed to the products I’m comparing it to, it hardly seems to matter.

Cleaning & Care

Whilst the Funzze website lists the Massager as being waterproof, it is only IPX6, which sadly means it is only water-resistant when being splashed, and cannot be submerged. Plus, Funzze also states you’ll need to keep the battery and motor areas dry at all times, which seems to mean the entire handle, making me question whether it is even water-resistant at all. Either way, since this toy is only for external use it doesn’t really get too messy (it’s even strong enough to be used through clothing, reducing the need to clean it at all!), so after use I’d just recommend washing the head with a bit of soap, before rinsing with warm water and then towel drying. If bodily fluids have gotten on it, I’d also recommend giving the groove in the silicone a bit of extra care, perhaps with a spare toothbrush, to ensure bacteria doesn’t hide here. You can then store it however you wish, including in the provided storage bag. Finally, make sure you avoid using silicone-based lubricants with this toy, as it may negatively affect the material it is made with.

Final Thoughts

I like to think you get what you pay for, and so it’s reasonable to have pretty low expectations for a product that costs just $45 AUD / $30 USD when it usually retails anywhere between $150 AUD / $100 USD to $300 AUD / $200 USD. But it seems perhaps it is time to change that way of thought, because the Funzze Massager has completely blown me away. I expected issues and I got some, with the backwards controls being disappointing to see again so soon, but even this did not seem too bad in the scheme of things. Hell, it was only a month ago that I recommended the Bestvibe Flirting Magic Wand despite that same issue, and not only is this toy cheaper and easier to use, but the vibrations are on a completely different level. With this in mind, the only thing the Flirting Magic Wand really has going for it now is its added level of discretion, as being smaller and quieter than the Funzze Massager can certainly have its perks. But for anyone wanting to try their first full-size massager without the hefty price tag, it goes without saying that this product is the perfect option, with it giving me the kind of orgasms I usually only experience from its premium counterparts. I just have a feeling this price won’t last long, so make sure to grab one while you can!

You can get the Massager directly from Funzze for just $45 AUD / $29.99 USD!

This post was sponsored by Funzze, but as always, all opinions are my own.