Review: Funzze Sucking Massager

Recently I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about budget toys and options for spending less when it comes to products like wand massagers, which are my second favourite sex toy. But what about suction toys, aka my number one? Even my usual low-price recommendation, the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation, has the potential to set you back $100 AUD / $70 USD or more if you can’t find a sale, whilst the cheapest option I’ve reviewed so far, the Satisfyer Curvy 2+, has had such a ridiculous price hike since I first wrote about it back in 2020, that it is now exactly double the cost that it was. So, I set out to find a better option for those who, like me, are tightening their belts right now, and, as always, the first place I looked was Funzze, who are known for their excellent prices.

Background

Much like my recent review of the Funzze Massager, the US white-label retailer did not let me down when I went searching for a budget suction toy on their website. I immediately came across their Sucking Massager, which at just $42 AUD / $28 USD is now my cheapest air pressure wave product by a big margin. But that wasn’t the only reason I was excited to see this toy. The Sucking Massager is a legend in the white-label sex toy space, and aside from the Share Satisfaction Sutra / Bellesa AirVibe, it is probably the white-label suction toy that has sold the most copies worldwide. Best known as The Empress from Australian brand Vush, the now discontinued product was previously being sold for a stupid $225 AUD / $150 USD, yet shipped out to beauty and wellness influencers en masse, a marketing tactic that saw it labelled 2020’s “best sex toy for women” and “Instagram’s most talked-about sex toy”, simply because it was everywhere and those that received it had no frame of reference (and, let’s face it, they were also probably being paid). This was incredibly frustrating for me to watch happen, as even back then a quick Google search revealed its true nature, but it also made me want to review it even more, because even though I knew the price wasn’t worth it, I couldn’t help but wonder if its stimulation really lived up to the hype?

Product Description

The Funzze Sucking Massager is a very basic version of an air pressure wave toy, which makes its rise to fame even more strange. It’s small compared to similar products like the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation, with its 11.5cm / 4.5″ length fitting neatly into my hand, and offers no vibrations or any other modes that might give it an edge. Fully covered in body-safe silicone, except for a small strip of reflective plastic on the back (an area designed for brand’s like Vush to place their logo, although on my copy it has been left blank), this is then silky smooth but firm, with only a touch of softness at its non-removable nozzle. Below this you’ll then find three buttons, which are raised slightly to make them easy to locate, and on the back is a small hole where you can plug in the charger. In addition, the Funzze Sucking Massager is also fully waterproof, USB rechargeable, and comes in both purple (which is what I have) and pink.

Packaging

My order for the Sucking Massager was placed with Funzze on the 31st of March and I received it promptly on the 6th of April. While Funzze themselves were then not listed on the shipping label, unfortunately the item description was “Massager”, which was not discreet as promised on their website. As with my last review, Funzze have then made some improvements to their product packaging, with the plain cardboard box now featuring a small strip of pink and black paper with their logo on it (which is removable if you’d prefer to keep things discreet). The box is otherwise fairly small, fitting the Sucking Massager perfectly, and also comes with a charging cord, instruction manual, one year warranty card, and a gold branded storage bag (which is nice, but much larger than the toy).

Charging

Charging the Funzze Sucking Massager is easy since it is USB rechargeable. Simply plug one end of the charging cord into a USB port and then the other end can go directly into the hole at the bottom of the toy. When charging a light will flash, with this becoming solid once complete, and charging should take around two to three hours to give you an estimated two to three hours of use. Funzze also recommends fully charging the Massager before first use.

Controls

There are three controls on the Funzze Sucking Massager, which are quite self-explanatory thanks to the symbols on them. Plus, it works pretty much identically to other suction favourites, like the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation and Womanizer Premium 2, so I was pretty happy. To turn the toy on or off, simply hold down the middle power button for 3 seconds. Once activated, the toy will start on its lowest steady speed, and it can be increased across 10 levels by pressing the top plus button. Then, to decrease the speeds again, you can use the lower minus button. Overall, I love all of this, as not only is it what I am used to, but it gives a great level of control by allowing you to adjust the suction at will. The only downside is that when the Sucking Massager first turns on, it momentarily runs at a high speed, which means you’ll want to not have it positioned over your clitoris when you turn it on for the first time during a session.

First Impressions

Going into this review, it was hard to know what to think about the Sucking Massager. According to Funzze, this is the cheapest suction toy I’ve ever used, so I had low expectations. But according to Instagram influencers and Vush, it was one of my most expensive and most promising, making me feel like I should have high expectations. Either way, turning it on for the first time didn’t blow me away, but I could certainly see the potential of this product, with the suction feeling strong and similar to what I’ve come to expect from major air pressure wave brands, rather than the cheap knock-off style of suction I sometimes review. The noise level, while lower than some stimulators, including the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation (but only just), was then still high enough to make privacy tricky, and so I wouldn’t recommend this if you have housemates and thin walls. Finally, I also noticed the nozzle lacks the usual silicone cushioning and is also quite small, so this may be a problem if your clitoris is on the larger side.

My Experience

When turned on, the power button of the Funzze Sucking Massager lights up quite brightly, which makes placing its little nozzle over my clitoris easy even in the dark, something I appreciate and wish all suction toys did. However, once on, I find the initial speed very intense, and if you have a sensitive clitoris or are new to suction stimulation, this could be overwhelming, potentially to the point of being harmful. Because of this, I’d recommend not starting with the nozzle on you, but rather slowly bringing it closer till you grow accustomed to the feeling. Of course, a lower initial speed from the manufacturer would also solve this. After I got use to it, I then found that there is little variation in the speeds, which is unsurprising since the first is so high, and while there is a slight increase, it feels more like the pitch slowly changes from a deep thuddy setting to a more buzzy piercing speed, rather than actually getting stronger. This makes use difficult, as in addition to being overwhelming, it means there isn’t any build up to enjoy, which is an important aspect of suction toys (and the reason why they so often come with numerous speeds, as opposed to vibrators which usually just have three). So even though I actually really enjoy using the Sucking Massager, I find myself having trouble reaching climax, instead often becoming stuck in an “almost there” limbo for long stretches of time. Once I finally do have an orgasm, though, it’s as if the floodgates open, with more coming hard and fast, and at an intensity that would put a less powerful stimulator, such as the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation, to shame.

Cleaning & Care

Cleaning the Funzze Sucking Massager is easy since it’s fully waterproof and only designed for external use. Simply give it a quick wash with some warm soapy water after use, and then leave to air dry. Afterwards you can store it how you wish, or use Funzze’s provided storage bag. Additionally, make sure not to use silicone-based lubricant with this product, as it may affect the material it is made of.

Final Thoughts

Let me start by reiterating what a massive fan of suction stimulation I am, and that any toy that uses air pressure waves successfully, as this one does, I’m going to enjoy. Is the Funzze Sucking Massager the best version of this unique style of sex toy that I’ve tried? Absolutely not. Is it worth Vush’s $225 AUD / $150 USD? Hell no! But is it the worst? Also no. Which, considering this is the cheapest one I’ve used, at just $42 AUD / $28 USD at the time of writing, is certainly something. Truthly, I’d go so far as to say this is in the mid-range of my air pressure wave toys, and absolutely offers enough for beginners to this form of play to enjoy. And with that, I totally understand why there was such a buzz around it when it was being sent out to beauty influencers. In fact, my biggest criticism of the Funzze Sucking Massager is that it is too intense, which sounds like a bit of a joke. But it’s really not, as even my experienced clitoris struggled to climax because of it, making this a product I recommend with a word of caution. And because of this, even though the Sucking Massager is stronger than the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation and gives me more intense orgasms than it, I’ll still choose the Pro 2 over it any day of the week, as it instead offers easy and reliable orgasms, and, depending on sales, you might even be able to get it cheaper. Of course, which one you choose depends on your own preferences (dependable satisfaction vs intense highs and lows), but I’m sure you’re going to be having a good time either way.

You can get the Sucking Massager directly from Funzze for just $41.52 AUD / $27.99 USD!

This post was sponsored by Funzze, but as always, all opinions are my own.